Chapter One
THE LITTLEST GOSSIP GIRL

Have you ever looked at the online photos of Britney's peesh?

I probably shouldn't start my book with that question, but I just I can't get enough of those photos. I find it nearly impossible to turn away from an online snapshot of any celebrity's peesh. All right, Kath. Focus. This is the story of your life.

Wait! Have you seen that TV commercial with Wynonna Judd where she hawks diet pills? Look, I don't mean to be rude, but maybe a gal with a big voice and a bigger . . . um . . . talent, shouldn't be hawking diet pills. Come on, you know those pills are just tiny donuts. Teeny, tiny powdered donuts.

All right, that wasn't very nice. In fact, it was inappropriate, and nothing short of cheap gossip. But let's face it, that's why you bought this book. That's right, I'm bringing it: gays, women, and the occasional DL (down-low) husband. The pages you are about to read have a lot of gossip, but guess what? Most of it's about me. I'm going to try to make this book a recipe (shout out to Paula Deen!) of equal parts shit-talking about myself and others. Yeah, I go down pretty hard on myself in this book. Not as hard as Steve Martin does, or my drunken Irish Catholic relatives do, perhaps. But I've had some heartaches and bumpy passages on this road to notoriety. Basically, I take great pride in the fact that I'm a professional. You're in good hands. This is a job I've been training for my entire life.

How did I get here, then?

I'll start with a statement so shocking you might have to burn this book immediately:

I was a kid who needed to talk. All the time.

I mean, what's a beleaguered Mary Margaret Griffin to do when her mouthy little daughter won't shut the fuck up? Breathe a sigh of relief, for one thing, whenever I would bolt out the front door of our house on Home Avenue in suburban Oak Park, Illinois.

But Mom was really of two minds about my exit. While part of her was thinking, Thank God, get her out of my earshot, the other part surely thought, Uh-oh. That's because I'd just go next door to the Bowens' house, where I first learned the power of juicy material.

The Bowens were an older couple, and they lived with Mrs. Bowen's mother, Mrs. Tyres. The Bowens, Mrs. Tyres, and I had a mutual understanding. They would bribe me with Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies, and I'd freely spill our family secrets, all to my mom's horror, of course. She knew exactly what was going on because she could see it all through our kitchen window, which had a perfect view into the Bowens' formal dining room. Mom would be doing dishes, occasionally nursing a nice highball--boxed wine innovations hadn't arrived yet--then look up, see my mouth moving, and then see the Bowens shaking their heads.

It was good stuff I was slinging, too. I'd reveal how one of my older siblings would have had a kegger the night before, and I'd run right over with the latest. "Yeah, Joyce had a party and one guy just fell asleep right on the lawn!" I'd excitedly report. "He was real drunk and everything! There was puke everywhere! My mom made me promise not to tell anybody! I don't think she meant you, Mrs. Tyres! Boy, these cookies sure are good!"

From my perch at the Bowens' table, I could see my poor mom waving me over, mouthing "Get back here! Get back here!" If either Mrs. Bowen or Mrs. Tyres looked over, too, my mom could turn on her party face instantaneously and be all smiles: "Oh hell-o-o-o-o-o-o, Mrs. Bowen!"

Everything was so prim...

Author: Kathy Griffin
Bio:  

Kathy Griffin, a multi--Emmy Award--winning and Grammy-nominated comedian and actress, is best known for her Bravo television reality show Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, her multiple stand-up comedy specials on HBO, Comedy Central, and Bravo, and her four-year stint on the NBC sitcom Suddenly Susan. She has hosted several award shows and appeared on numerous talk shows including Late Night with David Letterman, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and The View. She has been nominated for a Grammy for her comedy CD, For Your Consideration, and performs to sold-out audiences at venues worldwide.

"With a foreword begging Oprah to be on her show and a chapter called ''Brooke Shields, Don't Read This,'' Kathy Griffin's autobiography, Official Book Club Selection, is everything you'd expect. What makes it a terrific read, though, is all the stuff you wouldn't expect: binge eating (her own, not Paula Abdul's); her conviction that her late brother was a child molester; and her unflinching accounts of her plastic surgery and her divorce. Whether or not you're a fan, you'll respect her tenacity, work ethic, and loyalty to her parents. And if you are a fan of Griffin's celeb-tastic stand-up, skip to chapter 8, which should be called ''Helen Hunt, Thomas Haden Church, and Ellen DeGeneres, Don't Read This.'' Everyone else, dive in. A–" - Entertainment Weekly

"Funny, honest, and refreshingly unsentimental.  Griffin embraces Michael Corleone's mantra with a vengeance: All business is personal." - NY POST

"You feel as if Griffin is in the room with you, excitedly gesturing as she recounts a story [and] that's the beauty of Official Book Club Selection—Griffin has been made a fool countless times in her career and her willingness to share those lumps, which, face it, you'll never read in some Oscar-winning A-lister's autobiography, endears her tremendously." - Richmond Times Dispatch