- Publisher: Penguin Random House Audio Publishing Gr
- Date: May 2012
From the book
1. You're a Bitch
Or, How Anger and Fear Are Keeping You Single
1. Do people walk on eggshells around you—and you kind of like it?
2. Does the idea that you should be nice to a man make you angry?
3. Have past boyfriends felt that you were defensive or hard to get close to?
The deal is this: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. Nice includes sex, laughing, and occasionally—but not to the point of oppression or anything—cooking a meal, folding the laundry, or doing something else he's too lazy to do for himself. Just because you love him. That's what nice is.
Is this you? If my asking makes you mad, the answer is probably not.
But that alone doesn't make you a bitch. What makes you a bitch is that you're mad at a guy for even wanting that stuff. Being a bitch is about feeling superior to men (and the women who want them), rolling your eyes without even knowing you're doing it, and having a lot of tension around your mouth all the time. It's about radiating something that makes people feel just a little bit scared of you. And not only do you not care, but if you get really, really honest you would have to admit that you like it. Just a little.
That's being a bitch.
Bitch is less a personality characteristic than it is an energy. There's nothing wrong with it per se. We all have an inner bitch, and she is a powerful ally who protects us and keeps us from being exploited. But most of the time in relationships, as in life, you gotta keep your gun in your purse. Which is to say, there is a time and a place for your bitch—in a tough business negotiation, say, or when being threatened, but not on a dinner date. And not just because it's Thursday.
Unfortunately, bitch energy is distressingly common among single women. Maybe it's because somewhere along the way, being a bitch became synonymous with being modern. When I was coming of age, in the 1980s and 1990s, it was something to be proud of. There were even jokes that the word was an acronym for cute phrases like "babe in total control, honey" and "because I take charge here." Being a bitch was about claiming a place in the boardroom as well as the bedroom. It was a settling of old scores from all the years of male oppression. It was righteous. It was empowering.
But when it comes to dating and getting married (and, for that matter, being a mother), being in total control, honey, is an enormous liability. In fact, for most men—and women, too—it is an absolute deal breaker. Who in his or her right mind wants a mate who demands total control?
What It's Really About
So when I say you're a bitch, I mean you're angry. Now, you probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or—if you've been to a lot of therapy—that you're setting boundaries, or maybe that you're intellectually curious and like to debate a lot. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the pharmaceutical-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. But perhaps most of all, you're mad at men. You're mad that they can hurt you, that they have the power to reject you, that they seem to want twenty-three-year-old ninnies over powerful and fabulous women such as yourself.
At least that's what you tell yourself. But my experience is, men don't mind powerful, and they don't mind fabulous. What they mind is emotionally unstable, annoying, scary, bitter, cold, and above all, unloving.
Female anger terrifies men. They won't come right out and tell you that, because half the time they don't even know it, at least not consciously. But after having a son, I now clearly see how much power a woman has in...
"Very wise . . . Give this book to every single girlfriend [you] have." - Marie Claire
"Turns the stereotype of the find-a-man book on its booty." - Minneapolis Star Tribune
"Why You're Not Married . . . Yet is funny, smart, and so, so true. Equal parts BFF, boot-camp instructor, and relationship guru, Tracy McMillan will change the way you think about yourself and your relationships. This book is for every woman out there who wants to have a great marriage."--Ricki Lake
"Tracy McMillan is a hero and visionary. Through her book I realized about myself things people I pay a lot of money have been trying to tell me for years: that I'm a bitch, a slut, a mess, and that I hate myself. She gives solutions on how to heal, grow, and get what you want in life in a funny, inspiring, personal and very rare way. This book is an empowering way to take control of your life and become the person you want to be. So basically, she shows you how to be the opposite of me."--Actress and comedian Whitney Cummings
"As someone who has been married for twelve years, I love to give advice to my single girlfriends. Now, thanks to having read this book, I'm actually qualified to give it." - Heather McDonald, regular on Chelsea Lately and bestselling author of You'll Never Blue Ba