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Once Upon a Stranger : The Science of How Small Talk Can Add Up to a Big Life
Overview
"If you've ever avoided talking to strangers, this book might change your mind about giving them their space. And that, as Gillian so perfectly explains, might change everything." --Angela Duckworth, NEW YORK TIMES bestselling author of GRIT
Discover how making connections with strangers leads to positive shifts in our everyday lives, from preeminent researcher and professor of the psychology of kindness Dr. Gillian Sandstrom.
Do you ever feel lonely, even in a crowd? Do you feel anxious or worried about what others think of you, or struggle to make friends? You are not alone. But the truth is, opportunities for positive connection and community are all around you.
In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Gillian Sandstrom reveals that by talking to strangers, we can unlock more joy, curiosity, and goodwill every day. In an age when loneliness is a social health crisis and harmful behaviors like groupthink increase our perception of distance and polarization, this transformational guide explains the benefits of stretching our perceived limits and connecting with our fellow humans, including:
- Increased happiness and wellbeing
- Improved social skills and self-esteem
- Reduced anxiety and social biases
- Expanded connections and social circles
Combining powerful scientific findings with stories from her own life, Dr. Sandstrom offers us a new vision of a life well lived, when we have the courage to reach out and simply say, "hello."
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Details
- ISBN-13: 9780063385412
- ISBN-10: 0063385414
- Publisher: HarperOne
- Publish Date: March 2026
- Dimensions: 9.14 x 5.92 x 1.19 inches
- Shipping Weight: 0.95 pounds
- Page Count: 304
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In her witty, wise debut, Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How “Small” Talk Can Add Up to a Big Life, Gillian Sandstrom shares that she used to be embarrassed by her father’s affinity for chatting with strangers. Then she realized that, rather than being annoyed, people’s moods were boosted by meeting him. She also realized his top-notch social skills can be learned through practice, an open mind and a bit of derring-do.
Now, she’s ready to help others embrace opening up. “For me, talking to strangers has been transformative,” she writes, and “the accumulation of small, ordinary moments . . . add up to me seeing the world differently: with a pervasive sense of trust, safety, and connection.”
Sandstrom, the director of the University of Sussex’s Centre for Research on Kindness, does an excellent job anticipating and circumventing potential roadblocks. What if a conversation is boring? Well, not every movie is amazing, but we keep watching them, right? “Similarly, there’s no need to be disheartened by average or even boring conversations with strangers,” since the next one will probably be more fun. And if a chat seems never-ending? Drawing someone else into the discussion or inventing a getaway excuse should do the trick. Overall, she writes with empathy and humor, “You worry far too much. My research studies consistently find that conversations with strangers go better than you expect, and people like you more than you think.”
Once Upon a Stranger also explores ways to combat negative self-talk and extols “micro-relationships” that help us “feel safe and at home in the world,” and Sandstrom provides an appendix filled with nitty-gritty tips for conjuring up conversations (e.g., praising a dog and then asking its owner about it “is the single easiest way to start a conversation”). Sandstrom understands that making small talk can be daunting, but believes that it’s so beneficial, so life-affirming, that it’s worth giving it a try. She reminds readers, “you are capable of talking to strangers. . . . After all, besides blood relations, everyone you currently know was once a stranger, and you obviously managed to talk to them just fine.”
In her witty, wise debut, Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How “Small” Talk Can Add Up to a Big Life, Gillian Sandstrom shares that she used to be embarrassed by her father’s affinity for chatting with strangers. Then she realized that, rather than being annoyed, people’s moods were boosted by meeting him. She also realized his top-notch social skills can be learned through practice, an open mind and a bit of derring-do.
Now, she’s ready to help others embrace opening up. “For me, talking to strangers has been transformative,” she writes, and “the accumulation of small, ordinary moments . . . add up to me seeing the world differently: with a pervasive sense of trust, safety, and connection.”
Sandstrom, the director of the University of Sussex’s Centre for Research on Kindness, does an excellent job anticipating and circumventing potential roadblocks. What if a conversation is boring? Well, not every movie is amazing, but we keep watching them, right? “Similarly, there’s no need to be disheartened by average or even boring conversations with strangers,” since the next one will probably be more fun. And if a chat seems never-ending? Drawing someone else into the discussion or inventing a getaway excuse should do the trick. Overall, she writes with empathy and humor, “You worry far too much. My research studies consistently find that conversations with strangers go better than you expect, and people like you more than you think.”
Once Upon a Stranger also explores ways to combat negative self-talk and extols “micro-relationships” that help us “feel safe and at home in the world,” and Sandstrom provides an appendix filled with nitty-gritty tips for conjuring up conversations (e.g., praising a dog and then asking its owner about it “is the single easiest way to start a conversation”). Sandstrom understands that making small talk can be daunting, but believes that it’s so beneficial, so life-affirming, that it’s worth giving it a try. She reminds readers, “you are capable of talking to strangers. . . . After all, besides blood relations, everyone you currently know was once a stranger, and you obviously managed to talk to them just fine.”